(upcoming missive about perimenopause)

probably

(this was originally posted on Facebook, but it’s too long for Instagram, so i’m posting it here)

for about three days each month, my hormones/other chemicals take over. 

i could be having the best of days, talk to the bestest people, see the prettiest flowers, get things done, and eat ice cream...but my brain, well, it sees things differently.

it forgets that i am more than the things i do.

it forgets that i am valuable and precious, inherently.

it forgets that people love me when i'm not in front of their face.

it forgets everything that came before: memories, inside jokes, magick, sweet words, future plans, the ocean, etc.

from one moment to the next, i can be happy and joyous and inspired and connected...and then sobbing my eyes out with my heart beating as though i have been chased for miles 

my brain, basted in chemicals my body produces, does not respond to my ADHD meds, does not respond to logic, and does not recall anything good at all, ever

now that i've seen this a few times, i know it happens, and it still sucks to not be able to trust your thoughts/feelings

all i want to do in these moments is curl up into a ball 

or yell at everyone in my life for not loving me enough

(i do neither)

photo credit: Irisanya Moon

it is so hard

i have put practices into place that slow things down

that help me realize this is just a monthly visit from brain goblins who are pushing an agenda of lies and drama

and it is hard

hard to wait it out because that's all that helps

go to bed early to sleep through it

numb out on the internet

maybe share a thing or two with people i trust

write, write a lot

try to figure out what's true, what's real, where it lives in my body, what meaning i'm making, what's important, and what needs tending later

an edible or two

while the stories my brain tells me are false

it is very good at finding proof of my unworthiness

it is very good at pointing out how a delayed response means i am utterly unlovable or i don't belong somewhere

it is so very good at pointing out the things i don't have and reminds me how i probably don't deserve them

not a good time

do not recommend

but it's the shame of it all that really stings

i fight myself again and again to not install these stories as facts of who i am

so i'm sharing this

because if i know anything for myself, it's that shame can't keep up with transparency and truth telling

(and i am certain i am not alone)

i'll say the scary things 

(sometimes just to my notes app)

i don't sugarcoat them or soften them

i let the pain rise to the surface

but not enough to be thrown at anyone

i put down the weapon of blame i used to wield so casually

and sometimes cruelly

(mostly to myself, but not always)

this is likely caused by changing hormones

the shifting into a new phase of life 

one that will be forged by my tenacity

and also my humility

surrendering means i admit i am not in control

(i never was and never will be)

that all i can do is meet the rising tides

learn the rhythm of what washes over me

as i continue to spin and spin in this life 

the truth of the truth

is that what changes me

CHANGES ME

i am learning patience

i am listening to what lies beneath

i am trusting the sun will rise again

i am seeing myself as a cycle, a moon, a worn out sole in need of repair and tender knowing how to fit things back together 

i am liberating myself from what i might have done before, and the destruction that once felt so right-sized because i thought it would overshadow my pain

i am further uncovering life's love spell, the one that drops petals along the path, whispering:

this way, darling, this way

(PS - yes, you can share this, but TAG ME and credit me so I know where it goes.) 

(PPS - any advice will be deleted.)