(this was originally posted on Facebook, but it’s too long for Instagram, so i’m posting it here)
for about three days each month, my hormones/other chemicals take over.
i could be having the best of days, talk to the bestest people, see the prettiest flowers, get things done, and eat ice cream...but my brain, well, it sees things differently.
it forgets that i am more than the things i do.
it forgets that i am valuable and precious, inherently.
it forgets that people love me when i'm not in front of their face.
it forgets everything that came before: memories, inside jokes, magick, sweet words, future plans, the ocean, etc.
from one moment to the next, i can be happy and joyous and inspired and connected...and then sobbing my eyes out with my heart beating as though i have been chased for miles
my brain, basted in chemicals my body produces, does not respond to my ADHD meds, does not respond to logic, and does not recall anything good at all, ever
now that i've seen this a few times, i know it happens, and it still sucks to not be able to trust your thoughts/feelings
all i want to do in these moments is curl up into a ball
or yell at everyone in my life for not loving me enough
(i do neither)
it is so hard
i have put practices into place that slow things down
that help me realize this is just a monthly visit from brain goblins who are pushing an agenda of lies and drama
and it is hard
hard to wait it out because that's all that helps
go to bed early to sleep through it
numb out on the internet
maybe share a thing or two with people i trust
write, write a lot
try to figure out what's true, what's real, where it lives in my body, what meaning i'm making, what's important, and what needs tending later
an edible or two
while the stories my brain tells me are false
it is very good at finding proof of my unworthiness
it is very good at pointing out how a delayed response means i am utterly unlovable or i don't belong somewhere
it is so very good at pointing out the things i don't have and reminds me how i probably don't deserve them
not a good time
do not recommend
but it's the shame of it all that really stings
i fight myself again and again to not install these stories as facts of who i am
so i'm sharing this
because if i know anything for myself, it's that shame can't keep up with transparency and truth telling
(and i am certain i am not alone)
i'll say the scary things
(sometimes just to my notes app)
i don't sugarcoat them or soften them
i let the pain rise to the surface
but not enough to be thrown at anyone
i put down the weapon of blame i used to wield so casually
and sometimes cruelly
(mostly to myself, but not always)
this is likely caused by changing hormones
the shifting into a new phase of life
one that will be forged by my tenacity
and also my humility
surrendering means i admit i am not in control
(i never was and never will be)
that all i can do is meet the rising tides
learn the rhythm of what washes over me
as i continue to spin and spin in this life
the truth of the truth
is that what changes me
CHANGES ME
i am learning patience
i am listening to what lies beneath
i am trusting the sun will rise again
i am seeing myself as a cycle, a moon, a worn out sole in need of repair and tender knowing how to fit things back together
i am liberating myself from what i might have done before, and the destruction that once felt so right-sized because i thought it would overshadow my pain
i am further uncovering life's love spell, the one that drops petals along the path, whispering:
this way, darling, this way
(PS - yes, you can share this, but TAG ME and credit me so I know where it goes.)
(PPS - any advice will be deleted.)
Oh yes, going through it. Perimenopause amplifies everything, everything. That's why I got my ADHD diagnosis when my hormones started shifting. We def need to talk about it more. We're not losing our minds! We're transitioning into the most beautiful things, crones! This is the gooey chrysalis to get our wise on.
It takes courage to share this kind of thing, and I want to witness that. My perimenopausal insanity was shaped a bit differently from yours, but just weathering it was all I could do, too. {{{hugs}}}