I’ve never been taught to fear the retrogrades, but I feel like I should sometimes. After all, things are BACKWARDS. Things are unclear. Things are optical illusions. Things are going to get ‘messy.’
ZAP. POW. KABOOM.
Some astrology headlines remind me of weather reports in the Midwest. The end times seemed to be on their way each time it snowed or thundered. So much so that it was hard to believe the warnings. And I still did. But I did it with an eye roll.
In my idea of a perfect world, the concept of watching what you say, taking a breath to collect your thoughts, and being careful with important things would be the bare minimum and not a semi-frequent astrology reminder.
After all, when communication gets wonky, things break down. Things need to be fixed, updated, clarified. Not bad things. I know I could use some practice, but I also know the value of thinking ahead of the moment where my heart is racing and my brain is SO certain it’s right.
Breathe.
I could say that, but what ELSE might be the thing to share?
What I’m Working on this Mercury Retrograde
And yet, here we are. Parralax.
This is “the apparent shift in position of an object as seen from two different points not on a straight line with the object,” according to Merriam-Webster.
It’s a shift in perspective. And that can be disorienting. Even disheartening.
I know I’ve had moments of frustration when I come to a point in my life and realize I still haven’t dealt with that thing or the other thing. It’s back AGAIN. What goes around…
I’m not going to solve or unearth all the things I could this retrograde (but they do happen three to four times a year, so…), but I realized I want to work on something that’s become almost a compulsion: looking outside of myself before figuring out what is true or real for me.
What does this mean? Let’s use an example. When I don’t feel well in my body, I examine the last few days to see what might have caused it. I think about if I have slept, what I have eaten, who I have been in contact with, etc.
I look around and around to see what is going on from the outside.
Now, this example kind of makes sense. To me, anyway.
But let’s take it to another level.
When I feel angry, I look around to see what has happened TO me. I look at my conversations and my interactions. I look outside to find ‘the cause.’
I investigate. I look around to see where the bad feeling might have come from and who was responsible. As though finding the perpetrator might make me feel better. It doesn’t. It never does.
I look around because the feeling HAS to have come from somewhere. And I will cobble together any pieces of information that seem related, just so I can breathe a bit and I can know where to target that feeling. Because SOMEONE has to be to blame, to be accountable for how I feel. (Yikes.)
But.
If there is anything that my brain is really great at doing, it’s making up stories. (Which is great for writing, not so much for other situations.) I can connect the smallest thing to the biggest feeling and SOLVE for my feeling.
And that solution often looks like placing blame on someone else or on a past decision or on the weather.
All reasonable, expected responses that feel so darn right in the moment.
But when I still feel like crap, I feel stuck.
And realizing that, I saw my own reflection, smirking at me.
Reflections and Mirrors and Taking a Look
I am not in control of the actions of others. Nor am I sure of their intentions or rationale. (At least, not until I ask. And even then…)
The only actions I can control, the only intentions I can know are my own.
And here we are.
Though therapy and lots of TikToks, I started to question if all of this intellectualizing of what happens to me might be because I don’t want to see my role in it. After all, if it’s OUT THERE, it’s not in here. If it’s not me, then I don’t have to change or feel things I don’t want to feel.
Oof.
All of the time I have spent trying to figure out what’s wrong with my upbringing, my past relationships, etc. is time I have not always spent on looking at my patterns and my reactions.
And that is a realization that is slippery.
So, this Mercury retrograde, I am watching what I am thinking and where it is pointed. Is it pointed outward? (Knowing full well the outward gaze is necessary sometimes.)
What do I think?
What do I feel?
What is my role in this or that dynamic?
What benefit do I receive from not looking at myself?
How can I take accountability for my reactions?
If Mercury retrograde offers a time of looking back, then it can also offer a time to look inward. REFLECTION.
Angry? What does that feel like in my body? What stories am I telling?
What OTHER stories might be true?
Am I really upset about an offhanded remark OR am I tired from not sleeping last night?
Am I really sad about not getting attention for something OR am I not taking care of myself and making myself feel seen and valued?
How am I showing up for me? How could I do this better and more consistently?
What am I afraid of happening? That’s often the place where I can find the gift I need to give myself.
It’s going to be a journaling practice, a letter to myself each time I find myself in a rumination of stories.
It’s going to be long conversations with myself as I walk or run, asking myself again and again: BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU?
This is not a practice to create 100% self reliance, nor do I want to discard the value of validation from those I love.
This is a practice of coming home into myself, into the place that could offer me ongoing safety, stability, and reassurance, even if I have been taught or have created coping strategies that make me thing I am not trustworthy enough for this role.
(Hence, why I have assigned it to others so often. Too often.)
Reflections are still distortions, for sure. They invert what we see, and we never see our faces as they actually are. We see them reversed.
And this is not a practice of straightening things to be 100% right, but rather to be aware that the image is not always correct. That feeling is information, but not always a directive. That story I tell is not always the evidence I need to run far away from who I am and what I could learn.
I offer too that this is not a clear container, nor is it something that will be perfect or completed by April 25.
But I have shifted my perspective many times in my life, from the Midwest to the West Coast. From the binary to beyond.
I can shift and maybe even recognize myself in all of the ways I feel like I’m falling backwards.
I can even recognize myself in how I can trust falling into my own arms.
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Coming home to oneself... such a beautiful idea! Thank you for sharing your thoughts about this admittedly controversial subject. As someone who was born under Mercury retrograde, I've always had a complicated relationship with these times. The concept of parallax makes so much sense here, given that Mercury is the god of (among other things) communication, and his retrograde time is when he's in the Underworld. Time to lift the covers on our own personal Underworlds, I suppose.