(This is an expanded version of my newsletter share from the New Moon. I had more to say…)
It started out with questions. Lots of ‘em.
So I did what any witch would do, I asked someone for a reading. And I got a lot of insight, a lot of answers…and more questions.
(PS - If you want a reading that looks deep into the caverns of you that echo with wisdom and magick, go to Fio Gede Parma.)
Mostly I got confirmation of things on my mind. And a message from one of my Beloved Dead, shaking her head at me as I said I didn’t know what to do.
Of course you know.
Sigh. Yeah, yeah.
Back to the Between
The day after the reading, Fio sent me the image above.
I was talking to them about not knowing where I am and where I'm going. It's what I always want to know. WHERE AM I GOING? WHAT DO I NEED TO KNOW? AM I DOING THIS RIGHT?
The universe laughs.
The tarot cards laughed.
I laughed. Kind of.
Again, again. Me with the questions and the desires for certainty. PREDICTABLE.
My nervous system just wants a little survival treat: a peek into what is happening so I can be prepared. So I can do what I need to do to be ready, to have the capacity, to have the resources, and to be ready for what will happen.
But…
It's already happening. Whatever the 'it' is.
What is going on is going on because life is still going on. I don't get to know how or why. What I do get is the chance to show up. Fully.
Showing Up (Again and Again and Again and Again…)
I recently saw this TikTok that shifted my perspective in less than 24 hours. Really.
The creator said something to the effect of, “I can lie to everyone else, but I don’t lie to myself.”
I stopped and thought about how I lie to myself. Or how I tell myself half truths about how I feel. I say that I feel this way because this is happening or this is happening. I don’t say what is actually going on because, I don’t know. Shame? Guilt? Childhood trauma? Adulthood trauma?
I tell myself that I’m tired because I’ve done a lot, but I don’t tell the truth that I haven’t been taking care of myself. I don’t admit to myself that I haven’t been drinking water or touched a vegetable in days.
I lie to myself more than I’d like to admit. And it makes sense that when I am stressed, I think everyone else is lying to me too.
Because if I’m willing to lie to myself, how can I trust anyone else?
So, it’s time for something else. No more lies to myself. The truth and only the truth so help me godds.
I started by using my voice note app to talk to myself about how I was really feeling the other day. I said all the things for about 20 minutes. I don’t think I will go back and listen to it, but I know it was messy, raw truth. It was me, just being me.
With feelings. With undiscovered parts and processes and confessions and weird side tangents.
And that is a start.
Act Like You Want What You Want
It’s not just about telling the truth to myself. It’s also about getting rid of things that aren’t right for me (anymore).
Most of these things and situations were well-intentioned. They have felt good or they have felt right enough.
(That word—enough—has been a pain and a wakeup call to a way-too-long list of limiting beliefs.)
Part of the work has been defining what I want (still working on it) and now it's about removing all that stands in my way or slows my way down.
Patterns.
Habits.
Stories.
This is the gooey part.
The part after knowing what I look like and the part before I find out what I am already becoming.
I think of these lines from 'happiness' by Taylor Swift:
"In the disbelief /
I can't face reinvention /
I haven't met the new me yet."
Yet.
Facing Reinvention
But I’ve started to recognize her. In a moment where all I wanted to do was yell and blame and take my ick feelings out on someone else, I didn’t. I took a breath. I recorded that voice note. I thought about what I was saying, what it meant, and what I wanted to actually communicate.
It took time. It took patience.
It took asking myself this: what is really going on?
What is really true?
What am I trying to get?
More often than not, my big feels come from a place of fear. I am afraid of being left, lost, forgotten, abandoned, etc. And because I am afraid, I think I am not enough. That people will find out I am not enough.
So I do the thing that made so much sense as a kid (and as an adult): more. I become the even-more supportive friend. I become the one who reaches out again and again because if I get a response, then that means everything is okay. It means I am enough.
(Until I doubt it again.)
If I assign my care to someone else, I can step away from the bad feelings. You know, the ones that I don’t like. I can ignore them for the quick rush of reassurance. (Which hits so good.)
OR…
I did something else. I let myself be uncomfortable. I watched myself breathe deeper, feel shaky, and pace around my apartment. I started and stopped many, MANY texts. I erased them. I put them away.
I paced some more. I sighed. Loudly.
And I didn’t die.
I did figure out what was happening. And I told myself the things I needed to hear instead of waiting for someone else to do it.
I’m enough because I am. Not because of what I do.
I did that. Reinvention in the smallest of conversations with myself. When no one else was around.
I know what I need to do next, sort of, and I know some of it will be painful. Or at least uncomfortable. Heading out into the unknown is worrisome because I don't know what it looks like or feels like.
But I also know I know more than I did just two seconds ago.
I share this in case you are feeling this way right now.
I share this to let you know that the goo is not a place of knowing; it's a place of becoming.
I share this to remind myself too.
xo
***
For those who want to work some magick with these ideas, I have a few things coming up:
January 11 - Story of Ritual, a ritual skills class that meets every 4 weeks - ONLINE
January 12 - Devotion Pentacle with Riyana - ONLINE
January 13 - Iris Immersion - ONLINE
January 27 & 28 - Elements of Magick - Santa Rosa, CA
More on my website: www.irisanyamoon.com