anticipa.................tion

the nuance of where i'm going next

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud

was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

—Anais Nin—

When I look back at the writing I’ve shared and the writing I’ve held close, there is one thing that stands out: impatience.

Impatience with questions.

Impatience with myself and others.

Impatience with the world, bureaucracy, organizations, astrology, etc.

Impatience with the unfolding of things I could see out of the corner of my eye, things that were still hard to find or to catch.

The loudness of longing rang in my ears for so many years that the moment I found out, right as I asked for it to become clear, I wanted to cry.

It was so quiet. This deep breath of ‘Wow’ before ‘Now what?’

(I didn’t realize how easy impatience was.)

I am moving to Australia for grad school—and love.

I am overjoyed and humbled by the process.

How to pack up a life, how to move my furry children, how to get rid of most things I own, how to step into something that’s loudly calling my name, how to grieve all that I will be leaving behind, how to do it without a regular income, how to ask for help along the way.

Most days, I am in awe of myself and this moment. I tell the ocean my worries, and ride a rollercoaster of doubt and delusion. I have been preparing for this for years in various ways, and still, there are things I’m unsure I can handle.

I will. I know I will.

(Well, today I am confident. This weekend, I was not.)

And I grieve as I look around at the home I built for myself, the life that I restored and rebuilt. So much comes with me. So much can not. I can’t bring all of my art. Or my altar stuff. Or my books. Or some mementos.

I will have to let go again and again to make space for what waits for me, seemingly impatiently.

Thankfully (?), I am well-versed in letting go, and it triggers tender places.

It activates my abandonment wounds, of those I have lost and those who have left.

It activates the trauma of losing multiple people before and during the pandemic, when no one could hold me when it got darker than dark. Old feelings of anger and disappointment are close to the surface, speeding up my heart and convincing me that I would feel better if I just lashed out and projected all of that past pain onto the people in my life right now.

I try really hard not to.

And it’s a lot to hold. So I write.

So I promise myself something(s) new:

I will not abandon myself.

I will take risks, align my actions with love.

I will believe in myself, even when I make mistakes.

I will try to ask for help, and I will receive it when it arrives.

I will trust this adventure and remember all of the ways it announced its impending arrival for years. How it showed up in the stars, the forests, the oceans, and with Aphrodite’s guidance.

I will love myself through this, learn how to romance the unwieldy and care for the ungraceful pieces, because that is the spell I create (kindly) with each vulnerable moment.

Let me be patient with myself as I remember to enjoy each day I have here.

I am already changing.

In love and magick, Irisanya

P.S. To be super clear, I am thrilled and excited. The day when I’m writing this has just been ouchy. I also write to share my whole experience, including,, and maybe especially, the challenging parts.

Classes & Events

NOW until June 21: Applications are OPEN for Devoted to Her, Devoted to Self, my yearlong priestess/priestex training in love that starts in August 2025.

June 11 - 20: LlewellynCon 2025 - I’m co-presenting with Fio Gede Parma, Jane Meredith, and Raven Edgewalker on the Pearl Pentacle. It’s free, and there are so many more presenters to check out.

June 21 & 22: Pearl Pentacle Weekend Immersion - Santa Rosa, CA - with me, Sequoia, and AManita.

June 24 & 25: Divine Alchemy Conference - ONLINE - I’m presenting “Life is a Love Spell, Love is a Life Spell” and speaking on a panel.

Need something else? I’d love to help.

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